We finally were all able to come together at about 7pm. It was New Years Day and none of the plans that has been made earlier in the day had succeeded, but I couldn’t help having an excitement for returning to the cliffs that I had visited a couple days earlier.
My two friends and I climbed in the car and headed to the beach. It seemed a little insensible since the sun had already gone down, but none the less seeing the beach at night would be fun too.
We drove just south of Oceanside, CA to Carlsbad. It was a little colder than it had been the last couple of days and I had left my boots and jacket back at the house not really thinking I would be cold.
The cliffs are all sand and they are gorgeous (the picture is a real picture I took there from my first visit- during the day). As amazing as the cliffs had been… I was not prepared for what I would encounter during our night “hike.”
After borrowing a jacket and just loosing my shoes all together- we traveled along a (sometimes 10 inch) cliff trail. At one point we came to a larger plateau where we each took a seat with our feet hanging over the edge looking at the enormous body of water that seemed to come to life.
The moon was bright with stars shining through the fog that gently hung over the water as if asking permission to come closer. Every once in a while the light of the moon would perfectly reflect on white caps of the distant approaching waves. They seemed to glow as they came to life for a split second then tumbled back into the great dark consuming abyss.
I had never felt so alive.
It was surreal.
I felt so close to God.
So close to His creation.
So small, yet so valued.
I have had over 9 hours of straight alone time in my car contemplating this moment at beach that night.
I have come to a conclusion: I want to live.
That may seem weird, but it feels like a big deal right now.
You see, on New Years Eve I started having a pity party.
“Another stupid year is coming. Who cares? Nothing is going to change. I’m still going to be living in the same little town. Doing the same stupid stuff. Without a husband. Without kids. Without any real purpose. Without a whole family who gets along. I’m still going to be alone. My ex-fiancee is still not going to want me. All I have to look forward to is cleaning up the messes left after Christmas. What’s the point…. blah, blah, blah…”
Being the eternal optimistic I tried to encourage myself.
“well, maybe that’s not true. Maybe something great will happen. My fortune cookie did say I would have an adventure (sarcasm). Maybe I’ll meet an amazing guy who loves me and wants to marry me. Kallie you are so lame. agh.”
After crying a while I started asking myself some serious questions.
Well, obviously I keep thinking all of my problems would be solved and everything would be great… if. But the truth is whether that “if” ever comes to pass, I still will be here. So, what can I really look forward to?
What am going to do?
I can wait. Wait for that… or this… but if all I do is wait… I’m going to be pretty miserable at the end of every day. Because I will find that… I had never lived.
I want to live.
Yeah, I want to get married. I want to have that special calling and purpose of being a Mom and Wife. I want to serve a family.
But guess what? I can’t. God hasn’t given me those things… so what am I going to do?
I’m going to live life to the full… because that is something He has promised. (The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have to come to give life and life to the full. -Jesus).
I’m going to have an adventure.
I’m going to live so that if I died in a year, a month, or a day. I will not regret what I did or didn’t do.
I’m going to go on the hike even though it’s night.
I’m going to go even if I don’t have the right shoes (personally I liked having the sand between my toes… I also felt like I had better footing barefoot).
I’m going to go.
I’m going to experience what the Lord has for me each day.
I’m going to be honest. I am so tired of always trying to never ever make people feel uncomfortable or bad… so I fib or say something “nice” that they want to hear. No. I’m done. (My goal isn’t to be rude) but I will be honest.
I’m going to stop having stupid surface conversations.
I want to know you more on a deeper level.
I want to know what you are living for.
I want to know if you really do know Jesus. And how? And Why?
I want to explore and experience this world that God has given us to enjoy.
I want to climb every mountain (lol- sorry I’m getting carried away-no I’m not Maria 🙂
I want more.
I want to share in real life with people every day.
“I don’t want my life to be an apology. I want it to be a statement.”
I don’t want to become senseless… I want my senses to awaken.
I want to see the glow of the white caps and hear the roar of the waves.
So, I decided to figure out the difference between the things that actually make me feel alive and those that make me feel empty and devoid.
Things that make me feel empty and devoid:
- feeling sorry for myself
- watching TV or a movie by myself
- watching the minutes on a microwave count down
- listening to stupid surface conversations that have no power
- talking about actors
- talking about technology
- looking at people’s Facebook pages and never doing anything more
- telling people what they want to hear
- doing things just out of routine
- not listening to music
- not dancing or singing along when an amazing song comes on
- talking about other people
(especially when they are portrayed in a negative manner)
So what are the things that make me feel alive? What are the things I’m going to do?
Well, that’s a little harder, because I don’t think I can really put my finger on what makes me feel alive.
So, this is what I’ve decided to do.
Just as I have shared with you a story of how I felt alive on my first adventure day of this year at the cliffs, I’m going to share with you stories of when I have felt alive.
Not only will these stories be from the past (which I have quite a few on my mind I would love to share) but hopefully they will be from the coming adventure as well.
As long as I am here on this earth… it means He has a plan for me. Am I going to live the life and plan He has for me? Or am I going to wait for the things I want?
I’m going to choose life.
So, what about you? Are you alive?
Are you living life to the full?
I choose to live life and to live it to the full.
Care to join me?
Lord, I want to live this life to the full. Today. Tomorrow. And every moment I have breath. Help me Lord, show me where to go and how to be alive. I want to be real. I want to be Yours. I don’t want to regret or wait to live. Please Lord help me live life to the full NOW.