This weekend was hard… but good.
I turned 27- woohoo
I’ll be honest it’s a little strange because I specifically remember when I was 15 years old one of my sisters was 27, and in my mind that was the best age in the world. She was beautiful and grown up and could do anything in the world… but for some reason I don’t quite feel “there” yet.
Maybe it’ll come as the year goes by.
But I do feel like I’m on the edge of a breakthrough… maybe even a step into breakthrough.
This weekend I had a few conversations with some friends about some things and yes a majority of the conversation either led to my broken-engagement or marriage… sorry, I know it’s old… I wish I could just be done with the topic, but you can’t ever have breakthrough in something unless… you’re in it for awhile- right?
There are a few realizations I’ve come to:
1. Maybe I was wrong.
Now, I’m not going to repeat my post on Maybe I was Wrong, but I will have to say, it is always encouraging to go back and read it along with the comment that followed written by an incredibly encouraging man of God.
However, I’m beginning to realize more and more how prideful I am. Despite the pain and agony that this broken engagement has brought me, I have found over and over that part of my frustration is in the fact that I still want to be right that we are meant to be together.
I want his decision in leaving me to be wrong. I want this all to end by him having this great epiphany that I was right all along and we are destined to be together… forever. You know, like a Mary and Joseph thing. He was going to “put her away quietly” because she was with child and they hadn’t been together, and she tried to tell him, but he didn’t really believe her… then an angel visits him in a dream and FINALLY he gets it… that’s what I’ve deep down bee hoping for this whole time. Maybe he’ll finally see the truth?
But maybe I AM wrong. Maybe he is right… maybe we aren’t meant to be together after all. Maybe, God has a different plan that needed to include all this, but doesn’t end the way that I think it should.
I’ll admit. I am most likely wrong… but I still hope I’m not.
2. The position I’m in really does suck.
Now, I’m not just talking about the broken heart thing… but I began to see this weekendwhy this is such a deep and different place I am in.
You see, as a woman who desires to follow the Lord and come under the “headship” of her husband I did something a while back when I was asked if I would marry my fiancee. It actually was something that was quite a big struggle for me. You see, the Lord showed me in scripture and through His Spirit that if I am to choose to be a wife… I will have a new calling. As fun and great this is, there is a part of it that was the most difficult for me and it was the letting go of a former calling in order to take up that of a wife and help-meet to my husband. No longer was it my hope and future that God had for me, but it was the hope and future God had for us.
I was raised by a closet feminist… not really, but I was always told by my mom when I was growing up that I could do anything. I didn’t need anyone, especially a man, to do things for me… and that’s the way I lived for most my life… and it did me well. Until the Lord thought that I needed some change.
So for the last couple of years I’ve been learning what it means to need the body of Christ, to be dependent on the Lord, and interdependent on others in the body of Christ. To know that I can’t do it all. I’m not supposed to.
This was hard lesson for me, but it has been good.
I am no longer the rock I used to be, but I am softened the way the Lord wants me.
THIS very lesson however is why this hurts so much more.
You see, I let go of the calling God placed on me in order to take up the calling that God had for my fiancee and I together… and this is what God desires of His children who are going to embark on the adventure of a lifetime together.
The part that makes it hurt so much is that now that calling has been removed as well. So I find myself in a very strange and deserted place. A place where I feel incredibly vulnerable… kind of naked sense.
I currently do not know my calling.
When you get married you have an automatic calling. When you’re a parent you have an automatic calling… and those callings are beautiful! When you are single, the Lord gives you a calling and purpose for specific times and purposes. While in college and shortly after I had a calling or a vision in what I thought the Lord desired of me… but now I am in a place of being unsure of everything.
I am tempted in a way to pick back up the calling that I released when I accepted the calling of becoming a wife and help meet… but I’m not sure that’s what the Lord desires of me either.
As I was sharing this with a great friend of mine over the phone the other day, he responded to my dreariness with excitement. He said, “Kallie, you are in an awesome position, you are in a place where God can do absolutely anything He wants with you! You had no choice in it, but all you can do is trust Him and know that He will give a hope and a future, and even better than the one before.”
I had never thought of it this way at all, but as I’ve began to think it through… I thought… maybe he’s right. I’ve only felt lost and confused for so long, its refreshing thinking that God is still in control. I have believed in my mind that He is in control, but I’ve struggled in thinking He hasn’t had my best interest in mind. Honestly, I had convinced myself that God cared more for others and I was just a necessary pain in His plan to help someone else.
BUT this is not the God I know. The God I know loves me. He is my Father and Protector! He has not thrown me aside as a sad casualty in this cruel game of life… NO… He is still working out the details and plans He has, while asking me to trust Him.
So, will I trust Him?
I had for a time thought that this situation was like the Israelite’s returning to slavery after having been so close to the Promised Land, but instead I feel like it may be a bit more like that of Abraham. God asks him to sacrifice Isaac, and what if God had let Isaac die? Would that just have been the end? Would Abraham had just thrown up his hands and said, “Well, you made my 90 year old wife bear a son, but good luck fixing this one God.”
I don’t think so.
I think after all the ways in which Abraham saw His God fulfill His promises, he would have looked at the lifeless body of his son and waited for the moment that he saw life come back… whether that be through a miraculous “resurrection” of the body or even in the provision of another son through his wife’s 110 year old body. He knew God was good to His word, and he was a man of faith.
So, here I am.
My dreams and callings have dropped dead to the floor… along with my wedding dress and all my plans, but were they what God had promised me to begin with?
Nope, He doesn’t promise me a calling, a dream, or a vision for the future. BUT He has promised to be with me always. He has promised me a hope and a future. He has promised me life and life to the full…
So, I feel like I’m on the edge of this breakthrough. A breakthrough where I will be able to see in the midst of this dark forest. I pray that this breakthrough is real, and powerful, and returns me to the joy of my salvation…
oh, how I long for that.
Please Lord, let this be the breakthrough!
I know you are good to Your Word. I know you care and love me more than I know. I know you are good. Please Lord, move me to breakthrough so that I may trust You.