I know what I should do.
I should accept this all as God’s providential will.
I should just trust Him.
I should rely in Him.
I should be ok.
I should be in His Word more.
I should be praying more.
I should be more in love with Him.
I should throw myself into the things I know He’s called me to.
But for some reason there is a disconnect here for me. Maybe I just need to wait a little longer. Maybe it’ll come with time. Maybe all the bitterness will just be gone. Maybe He will heal me and I’ll be able to move on.
But for now, I’m stuck…
I hurt. I know I should trust Him, but honestly, I don’t.
I wouldn’t say I don’t love the Lord any more, but all I have done in the midst of this whole thing has been trust Him, and this is where I’ve ended up.
If you were playing the trust game and trusting someone to catch you when you fall backwards, then they didn’t catch you, you would have a very difficult time “falling” into their arms again. That is how I feel right now. I feel like I’d been falling in His arms… over and over then He didn’t catch me.
I know this cannot be the case- knowing what I know about who God is, but I am having an incredibly difficult time understanding it all and therefore doing the things I know I should do.
It’s been over a month since I’ve seen my ex-fiancee. Yet, there hasn’t been a day, let alone an hour, that has gone by that I haven’t thought about him and missed him. Yet, I doubt this is the case for him. Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s struggling. But it is obvious that he can just separate himself from me and be okay. So why can’t I? I almost feel like he was just a dream that came to an end, that it didn’t even happen. The hardest part is that I have lost my best friend.
Honestly, he was the one that I would call and talk to for hours on end about the dealings of family, friends, and my heart. For the last five years this had been the case, and now I have no one to call. No one who understands my heart, and the insane situations of my family. I know I should just go to the Lord with these… and I do, but you cannot deny that their is comfort in the voice of a friend, and a love in the prayer of a friend that the Lord uses mightily that doesn’t seem to just come while sitting on my couch alone talking with the Lord. There is something about the hug a friend who understands.
So, what do I do. Just deal with it. Just get over it. Just move on. Admit that it was only a dream that is over and just keep living life- even though it feel like each day I die a little more.
I know that everyone says that time heals and over time things will get better, but so far I would say the evidence in my life does not agree with that.
I’ve just become better at wearing the mask, and shoving the pain deeper down.