I’ve spent this entire day in my “home.”
Doing… nothing productive.
I’ve watched over half of my DVD collection (don’t be too shocked I only own 7), but it’s interesting. Usually people watch movies and TV to escape reality, and even though that may have been what I was desiring- my mind hasn’t let me.
One of the movies I watched was Namesake. At the end of the movie the main character Gogul ends up loosing his Dad, his wife leaves him for another man, and his Mom moves back to India leaving him alone. In the process of his mom leaving to return to her home country she sells the house that has always been Gogul’s home. At the end of the movie, as Gogul is hugging his Mom goodbye, she says, “I won’t leave, I will stay here for you.” Then Gogul responds in the most heartfelt way, “Mom, I know I’m supposed to be miserable right now, but I’ve never truly felt free until now.”
This is supposed to bring the whole “Namesake” idea into full circle since he was names after the Russian Author who was a loner outcast who never married, but was brilliant… go Gogul… fulfill that destiny.
It was a good movie. Nice full circle plot that contained some great perspective into culture and cross-culture experiences.
But that is not what hit me.
It actually just reminded me of a recent experience I had… actually it was yesterday.
I have continued having a very difficult time dealing with all of this “broken engagement” situation. So yesterday I made an impromptu decision to go be with my Mom for the weekend. It’s only about 1-2 hours to get to where she works at a Christian Camp in the moutains near by my hometown.
What I didn’t expect was the snow storm that was between her and I. I really needed a hug. I really needed my Mom. So despite the cloud covered mountains… I thought “I have four wheel drive, I can do it.” So I left and headed up.
After getting over half way there the “chains or snow tires” restriction came up (I had left the valley and there weren’t even flurries… so funny how powerful a storm can be just miles away from a peaceful valley), and I was even stopped at a road block. They asked me if I had four wheel drive, I said yes, and I was on my way. Well, not more then a half mile my vehicle started sliding as I was climbing up the mountain pass. It shook me a bit, but I thought, I can handle this. Then about a quarter of a mile further, my trying was no longer enough. My car started in a slide to the left, then turned me completely around sliding into guard rail and a bit back down the mountain in the opposite direction (thankfully the cars behind me were able to stop and the on coming traffic- wasn’t coming).
As I was sliding across and around the road I found myself saying, “Oh, Lord, help me.” Interestingly enough this was the same Lord that I had just been telling how frustrated I was, and how I felt like every one would be better off without me.
I found my way to a perfectly placed turn out on the side of the road, followed by a kind police officer who asked if I was okay, and said he would follow me back down to safety…
Eventually I ended up back in the valley, after two more near incidents, but I didn’t have strength to go back to my home.
I still didn’t have my mom, or my hug, and my home was not the home my heart was longing for.
So I drove around.
Which probably wasn’t the best idea, but I ended up driving by the home I grew up in. Obviously, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go in, but there was something comforting about even driving by.
As I was driving, I couldn’t help but notice how familiar everything was. Every speed bump on the way. Every tree. Every house that preceded and followed. Even though everything about the people in the houses had probably changed, the shapes, the shadows, and the memories were overwhelming. Yet, it wasn’t mine anymore.
I was still was homesick.
But what am I homesick for?
My friend had talked to me about this same feeling recently, but she found that even in her home, surrounded by her family, she was feeling this way.
What is it we are longing for?
It may sound crazy… but I think we’re longing for another world.
A world with no death, no suffering, no loneliness. A world filled with the love and peace of God. Our home. The way things were supposed to be from the beginning.
Our bodies weren’t meant for this slow death that it is enduring.
Our hearts were not meant to go through death and suffering.
God created us for life. He created us for Him. To be fully encompassed by His love and presence. To be in perfect fellowship with Him.
I miss it.
I miss my home, even though I’ve never been there.
I miss that perfect fellowship with both my heavenly and earthly Father.
I miss true life.
I miss my home.