Last night was the first night that I made it through the evening without crying since my relationship with my fiancee officially died two Mondays ago.
To some this may seem stupid, to others it may seem to early, but to me it is a miracle.
I began a new devotional last night…
It’s called Living Life Fearlessly
It’s an inductive Bible Study and it’s first section talks about the beginning of Joshua’s life as a leader.
It asks- what begins Joshua’s life a leader for the “Hebrews?”
This is a question I had honestly never really considered, even though I have known it… so what do you think it was?
… It was the death of Moses.
The devotional then asked: “Where else does ‘death’ bring life?”
-seeds from flowers that day create new plants
-Jesus died… so that we might live
Then it said, “When in your personal life have you seen ‘death’ create life?”
For the first time I began then to see that the death of this relationship could possibly be the life of something new… whether that be just simply my growth in the Lord or something perhaps even greater… maybe a different relationship- more time spent with my neighbors sharing the gospel… or… maybe even the healthy and amazing resurrection of a relationship that was never really alive or right.
No matter what the outcome of the death of this relationship is, I have to trust in my Lord that it is right. That He is good. That He has my best interest in mind. That He loves me. That He has not left me.
I can’t wait for my sweet love with the Lord returns. I’m afraid that with all of the things in my life that have seemed to be “taken away” have turned my heart to a hard and cold place with the Lord, and oh, how I desire that to change.
Like the days when He woke me with a song of praise on my lips, or the times of warmth and quietness of heart, just simple amazing times of worship to Him, times of security, times when that “fire” burned deep within and just filled me like nothing else can, times when He allowed me to see His power move and heal, times of deep change, times of deep revealing truth.
I miss Him. I love Him. I long to be touched by Him again.
As sad as I begin to get over all the circumstances in life, it makes being filled with joy that much greater.
I just pray He can keep me in this place of heart and mind.