To the one I gave my heart to,
I think the Lord does want this to be done. I’m beginning to have a peace about knowing the most loving thing I can do for you is to let this die. But, I was reminded this morning that God isn’t just in the business of “stopping” the sacrifice He asks for (as it was with Abraham), but He also is the God who raises back to life things that have been sacrificed (as with Jesus).
So, I know this is what we must do. We must let this die.
If the Lord desires to bring it back to life… then it will be by His resurrection power alone that it will happen,
but if He desires to allow it to remain dead then that also will have to be ok.
I will be honest… it scares me to death to even say these things.
I’m afraid that I will just become complacent in “knowing its over” to the point of not ever letting it come back to life… I’m afraid I will be like Martha who tells the Lord- “He’s been dead for four days and he stinks!” not believing that life can be brought back, but I guess that didn’t stop from Lazarus from actually rising.
One of the things I was trying to say last night, that I’m not sure I conveyed is that being back to that “single” place is a good-feeling familiar place.
It’s a place I find myself liking and assuming I will remain in.
It’s a place I can relate to all of my Christian girl friends,
it’s an easy “only think of myself” place,
its a thank God I don’t have to share what’s really going on in my heart place,
it’s a easy place to hide,
it’s a “no one will have to see how ugly I really am” place,
it’s a I can just remain on the surface place,
it’s a “I can be a rock again” place.
And as much as I know this is the place the Lord brought me out of… it feels safer. Less risky. Just plain easier. And I like it. Which scares me.
I can just “focus on God” more… and yet I have no accountability to do so.
I hope I’m not already too far gone, and I hope that I don’t go there.
I will deeply miss your friendship and love, but maybe one day it will be restored.
I love you too much.
I have decided I will give myself tonight as one more night to remain in this mourning, but tomorrow needs to be the morning.