What is truly the difference between giving up and letting go?
Are they the same?
It is official that my fiancee and I are done. Last Monday, he decided that he is still at a place where he can’t “pursue” me.
“I want you, and I love you, I just can’t pursue you.”
So its over.
This is my problem…
I am a glutton for hope.
Funny side note- the Spanish name I took on when I was in Junior High was Esperanza… yep, it means HOPE… imagine that… and later on in life I felt like the Lord gave me a life mission statement of: To bring Hope to the hopeless and do it through God’s love and power.
Now, it just makes me bitter.
The Bible says “Love always hopes…”
Two weekends ago I was told… “You should only be putting your hope in God.”
Is that not what I have been doing?
Seriously, if I was hoping in my fiancee- it would have been over a looooooooooooooooooong time ago… but alas, I was hoping in God and now its time to just hope in Him… wait wasn’t I doing that?
So, now I need to stop hoping in God for my fiancee to marry me…
but HOW? I can’t get rid of this spark of hope in me that just WILL NOT DIE! And it’s driving me nuts!
I went away for the weekend.
It was good, but guess what, I had to come home.
When I came home guess what problem still awaited me?
So what do I do?
Just give up?
This is the thing… I can’t just give up on my fiancee. If I give up, I’m going to have to give up on marriages, and relationships, and men all together.
I’ve been waiting and praying for a husband for 13 years… I wrote a letter and began praying for him when I was 13.
This is where that hoping has got me.
Alone, on my couch having already given my ex-fiancee my first kiss, my heart, and future.
So now what?
You want me to hope.
To hope in God.
To hope in God to do what?
To be with me?
OK, well, I may believe He is with “me,” but you know what… He STINKS at hugging me. My tears don’t stop coming. I know one day He will wipe every tear from every eye in “the glory to come,” but there is no wiping of tears taking place tonight…they just keep coming and rolling and falling.
My heart is hardening.
My love is becoming cold.
So tonight, I’m giving up
You know, it’s easier to be single.
It’s easier to just take care of myself.
It’s easier to just stay in the place I’ve been in forever.
It’s easier to just try to ignore the feelings.
Just pretend that I don’t want what “they” have.
Convince myself that I don’t want to hold a child in my arms.
Know that it’s easier to “serve” the Lord by myself.
You know, just be “fully devoted.”
Just remain in that perfect “communion” with God and forget about everything thing else…
oh, but wait… here’s a question for you…
It was after the “Fall” that God created Eve for Adam right?
After God had lost perfect communion with man… that’s when He said it was not good- right?
It was WHILE He was in perfect communion with man, that He made woman to complete man.
Then why the heck do I keep trying to convince myself that “it IS better for ‘woman’ to be alone?”
I give up.