So, three days into the silence I was seeing some amazing benefits of the “Learning to be alone” but I can’t say I have continued to feel them…
Today I worked both my jobs. Working a full day from 7:30-3:30 then heading right to the other job from 3:30ish to 6:00. Now granted… I love my jobs, but even after having one of my longest days- as far as work goes- I found myself in the aisles of the grocery store, because I didn’t want to go home to an empty house and work some more on dishes or laundry or even other job related things.
I was tired and I just wanted to rest, but not alone.
And why not?
I don’t stinking know!
I do have to say sitting on my couch right now in my comfy clothes, in my comfy blanket, with candles lit, and wind howling out the window… it feels pretty cozy and nice, but there is still this underlying dissatisfaction.
Despite my current two jobs and attempting in my own ways to “make a difference” on those in whom I have an influence, I feel completely devoid of purpose.
It hasn’t always been this way.
For the most part, I am a very driven person. When I know that I have been given a mission… I set my heart, mind, and soul to it and I GO! But currently, I’m at a loss for my mission.
I need a specific cause and purpose for my life.
As a believer in Christ I know I have the great commission, but that’s what I think I’m doing, yet, it’s a long mission- especially when a lot of the work is fruit in my life… which can’t be “forced” to grow.
I long to have a mission like William Wilburforce, or Martin Luther, or…) trying to think of a girl here) um… or even a mom or a wife.
All I desire to do it SERVE.
I want to serve others, I want to serve the creator, I want to serve you. I know that to an extent I have been provided with people to serve in the work place, but I don’t feel it anymore.
Last year, I had a bad ending to the year and people blamed me for things and left. Because of this my heart still breaks… because I use to give everything in my job… more than “my time” and “plans” I gave my heart and my life… and after the situation last year, I was wounded, and I can’t give like that anymore. If all I end up doing when I give like that, is having people “leave” because of me… then what’s the point?
Why am I even here?
I have great friends, and amazing family members… neices and nephews, but their lives are so busy too…
so what do I do?
Do I just sit here and melt?
I feel like a candle that has been burning and is running out of wax… all that is left if a charred wick… the only thing to happen now is to remove the old wick and put in a new candle.
Could I just be done?