Oh, I don’t even know where to start.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I am not meant to be with my fiancee after all?
Maybe the Lord has another plan… but this is all so hard.
I am overwhelmed with these desires
I’m tired of coming home to no one
I’m tired of cooking only for myself
I’m tired of cleaning my house for no one to see
I’m tired of having a cold empty bed
I’m tired of not getting hugs
Seriously… I just long to be touched and held
Why do I have to be alone in all this?
The hardest part is that I am blessed and all I can do is continue to complain
I have an apartment that the Lord blessed me with
I have an amazing sister and family who love me
I have a niece who adores me
I have a church body that sincerely loves me
I have vehicle that runs and takes to me to work everyday
I have a job that I know the Lord has called me to- and meets me in
I have a mom who constantly cares and worries for me
I grew up with the affection and affirmation of Dad like none other
I have amazing girl friends who would do anything for me
I have awesome mentors who love and pray for me daily
I have a nice little life
In a nice little town
I’m sitting in my quiet calm living room… and all I can think about is how alone I am.
I know its wrong, but why have these desires in me been awakened?
Why can’t they go back to sleep?
Why do I long to hold a child in my arms
Or be held close by my husband?
I try to get busy
To stay focused
To get my mind off of the emptiness
And for hours is works… sometimes for an entire day…
But then I get into my empty bed
And I’m overwhelmed by it again
I’ve thought all this time I was going to marry him
Since 2008- I thought I had heard that he was the one
Maybe I am wrong
Yesterday, I heard a sermon about Jesus and his healing ministry and the Pastor asked what the difference was between the Pharisees and the blind or deaf people that Jesus healed. Jesus makes it clear in the gospel at Mark that the Pharisees and even the disciples were blind and deaf just as the literal blind and deaf men were. BUT there is one difference. Those who needed the physical healing just came wanting whatever Jesus gave them… not telling Jesus what they expected but expecting Him to give them the best. The Pharisees on the other hand came with expectations of what they wanted, of what they thought the Christ should give them. They asked for miracles and signs and Jesus refused.
The Pastor went on to say that if we want to see (not just literally but spiritually and figuratively) then we need to admit that we may be wrong. We need to let go of what we think Jesus SHOULD be giving us and just run to Him and let Him do what He knows we need best.
I was reading a book to my class yesterday and the very first line in the last paragraph of the book it said “On October 24th , it was all over.” It took everything within me to hold back tears because that is the date that my finacee and I have until we have to know for sure if we are getting married or if we aren’t. I don’t want to sound superstitious, but it hit me at that moment.
What if I am wrong.
What if he is not the one.
Or what if he was… but isn’t anymore?
What if the Lord has something better planned?
What if the Lord has someone to bless me with more?
What if the Lord will provide me with a man who longs to spend time with me, instead of one who just tries to fit me in to his schedule.
What if my future husband would have a love for every part of my not so perfect body?
What if my future husband wants me to be the mother of his children?
What if he wouldn’t be scared to have children because of the responsibility?
What if he would think of me and bring me my favorite kind of flower instead of his?
What if he brought me a latte in the morning, just to bless me- even if he doesn’t like me drinking coffee?
What if he would truly be a man I could look up to for advice spiritually?
My heart began to hurt the more the “what ifs” came because I began to realize to many of my own insecurities in this relationship that I have always defended when other brought them up.
But there is almost freedom…
I’m scared now.
What if… there is not man who exists like my “what if list”?
What if my fiancee still is the one? Am I betraying him?
I love him so much that the idea of not having him around creates a deep pain, but at the same time I know a healer- who opens the eyes of the blind…
All I pray is that I would stop being consumed by this emptiness…
Because all it does is lead to sin…
Dark… unlit… sin…
I don’t want to be consumed by sin.
I don’t want to be consumed by lonliness.
I want to be consumed with Jesus alone…
but why can’t He just hug me?