Maybe I Was Wrong

Oh, I don’t even know where to start.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I am not meant to be with my fiancee after all?
Maybe the Lord has another plan… but this is all so hard.

I am overwhelmed with these desires
I’m tired of coming home to no one
I’m tired of cooking only for myself
I’m tired of cleaning my house for no one to see
I’m tired of having a cold empty bed
I’m tired of not getting hugs

Seriously… I just long to be touched and held

Why do I have to be alone in all this?

The hardest part is that I am blessed and all I can do is continue to complain

I have an apartment that the Lord blessed me with
I have an amazing sister and family who love me
I have a niece who adores me
I have a church body that sincerely loves me
I have vehicle that runs and takes to me to work everyday
I have a job that I know the Lord has called me to- and meets me in
I have a mom who constantly cares and worries for me
I grew up with the affection and affirmation of Dad like none other
I have amazing girl friends who would do anything for me
I have awesome mentors who love and pray for me daily
I have a nice little life
In a nice little town
I’m sitting in my quiet calm living room… and all I can think about is how alone I am.

I know its wrong, but why have these desires in me been awakened?
Why can’t they go back to sleep?
Why do I long to hold a child in my arms
Or be held close by my husband?

I try.

I try to get busy
To stay focused
To get my mind off of the emptiness
And for hours is works… sometimes for an entire day…
But then I get into my empty bed
And I’m overwhelmed by it again

I’ve thought all this time I was going to marry him
Since 2008- I thought I had heard that he was the one

Maybe I am wrong

Yesterday, I heard a sermon about Jesus and his healing ministry and the Pastor asked what the difference was between the Pharisees and the blind or deaf people that Jesus healed. Jesus makes it clear in the gospel at Mark that the Pharisees and even the disciples were blind and deaf just as the literal blind and deaf men were. BUT there is one difference. Those who needed the physical healing just came wanting whatever Jesus gave them… not telling Jesus what they expected but expecting Him to give them the best. The Pharisees on the other hand came with expectations of what they wanted, of what they thought the Christ should give them. They asked for miracles and signs and Jesus refused.

The Pastor went on to say that if we want to see (not just literally but spiritually and figuratively) then we need to admit that we may be wrong. We need to let go of what we think Jesus SHOULD be giving us and just run to Him and let Him do what He knows we need best.

I was reading a book to my class yesterday and the very first line in the last paragraph of the book it said “On October 24th , it was all over.” It took everything within me to hold back tears because that is the date that my finacee and I have until we have to know for sure if we are getting married or if we aren’t. I don’t want to sound superstitious, but it hit me at that moment.

What if I am wrong.

What if he is not the one.
Or what if he was… but isn’t anymore?
What if the Lord has something better planned?
What if the Lord has someone to bless me with more?
What if the Lord will provide me with a man who longs to spend time with me, instead of one who just tries to fit me in to his schedule.
What if my future husband would have a love for every part of my not so perfect body?
What if my future husband wants me to be the mother of his children?
What if he wouldn’t be scared to have children because of the responsibility?
What if he would think of me and bring me my favorite kind of flower instead of his?
What if he brought me a latte in the morning, just to bless me- even if he doesn’t like me drinking coffee?
What if he would truly be a man I could look up to for advice spiritually?
What if…
What if…
What if…

My heart began to hurt the more the “what ifs” came because I began to realize to many of my own insecurities in this relationship that I have always defended when other brought them up.

It hurts…
But there is almost freedom…

I’m scared now.

What if… there is not man who exists like my “what if list”?
What if my fiancee still is the one? Am I betraying him?

I love him so much that the idea of not having him around creates a deep pain, but at the same time I know a healer- who opens the eyes of the blind…

All I pray is that I would stop being consumed by this emptiness…
Because all it does is lead to sin…
Dark… unlit… sin…

I don’t want to be consumed by sin.
I don’t want to be consumed by lonliness.

I want to be consumed with Jesus alone…
but why can’t He just hug me?

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About desireunleashed

Prone to wonder Lord I feel it, prone to leave the One I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy throne above.
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5 Responses to Maybe I Was Wrong

  1. a.w. marks says:

    Take heart, daughter of God. He knows your grief, just as He heard Hannah when she cried out for a son. He adores your heart and will protect you from anything that would pluck you from His perfect plan.

    I don’t think you were wrong. Likewise, God will not punish you as the result of another’s disobedience, nor will He change His divine will. I can’t answer your “what ifs,” but I know He wouldn’t have you compromise any of these for a husband. Within the ample time God has granted your fiancee to own these responsibilities, he has denied the privilege of serving with you because of his own fear. Because God is first and foremost your Father and Protector, He is quick to rescue you from a life short of His greatest blessing: the wonderful husband you would be honored, and not resentful, to serve.

    Was Joseph wrong for dreaming big in God’s plan for his life? Was the sin and fear of Joseph’s brothers too great for a Sovereign God to overcome? Certainly not! Many days, Joseph had to have been overwhelmed by doubt in the word he had received. How would God redeem the mess Joseph’s brothers created? But God even used the rejection of those that should have shared in Joseph’s joy to carry through His awesome will. So it is with you.

    I find it funny (not haha funny, but “isn’t Satan predictable” funny) that women are attacked in believing there are no honorable single men, and men are attacked in believing that no woman would desire a biblical marriage in pursuit of holiness. God in His infinite goodness has brought us to this conversation to convince us otherwise. If I know two or three righteous men grieving the absence of holy women in podunk middle America, and you know two or three righteous women grieving the absence of honorable men on the coast, surely these rare treasures are scattered everywhere.

    The reason Paul instructs Titus to have the elders take the young men and women under their wings is because discipleship is imperative to the development of Godly husbands and wives. This is where the church has failed young people. We’ve taught abstinence instead of holy purity. We’ve taught “how to say no” over “how to pursue Him together.” We’ve separated males and females to such a degree that we have no concept of how to pray for or serve one another.

    It sounds like your father and those around you have done a fine job in preparing you. God would have you chosen by a righteous man that loves and is drawn to your heart for Him. He isn’t going to ask you to unnaturally pursue a man as the world does, or as you have been forced to in your fiancee’s pseudo-commitment. This man will find you amidst your steadfast love for your Father, and he will lead you as Christ does His Church. This love will not feel foreign or compromised, for it will directly reflect the love you’ve already known intimately in Christ.

    I’m not concerned whether you believe this today, but you need to pray for it, the same way I must pray for a wife that provides a grace to me without compromise. Your husband should be captivated by every inch of you, enjoy raising children with you, love buying coffee for you, offer you every free moment…you should be the very definition of Godly beauty to him, because this is who God has created you to be for your husband. Your Father will not ask you to place these desires aside for the sake of submission. Rather, He would have you submit to a man that already admires these desires within you.

    [Now you’ve got me worked up as well.] 🙂

    I also pray that men would rise up and lead as God intended. I pray that men would pursue those whose value is found in the love of Christ, and not the world’s corruption. I pray that women would not sell themselves short of the man He has placed on their hearts. I pray that He would raise up a purified army that reclaims its holy identity and finds courage and honor in serving one another as men and women, husbands and wives.

    If you’re with me in these prayers, God hears us, and we have every reason to take confidence in His move. Do not be discouraged, daughter of God, for He has called you away from a common life into the noble pursuit of His love. When your grieving comes to an end, you will walk with the confidence that Hannah did, already knowing that He has heard you and is actively redeeming your pain for His glory.

    [P.S. Coffee not good for you? That’s just crazy talk!]

  2. I am with you in these prayers…

    When I read your comment I was moved to good tears as I began to contemplate as you said- His great love for me, as a Daughter of God. It has been so long since I have viewed myself in this way and what a shame. What a tactic of the enemy to do such frustrating things to God’s children that they question their relation to Him. Thank you for reminding me of this.

    Honestly, I’m just not sure what to do next.

    I wish I could just call you up on the phone and talk to you… I feel like I’ve been longing to hear the Truth that you have so fitly spoken, and though I don’t know you, I truly believe that conversation with you has been Divinely inspired.

    I know something must change… and soon.

    But again, thank you so much. From the depths of my soul- I appreciate your Truth and I truly believe the Lord has given you wisdom and insight into the situation that even the pastors I’ve talked with have not come to. Thank you.

    May we be His and Truly trust Him.

    [Today is National Coffee Day apparently… I didn’t have any 😦 ]

  3. Could you try again? My email was wrong on my profile- sorry…
    I think I’ll make a coffee run on my way to work… It should make up for none today 🙂

  4. a.w. marks says:

    Gotcha this time 🙂

  5. Pingback: Breakthrough? | desireunleashed

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