So… I’m frustrated
All I want to do is simply live my life as best as possible for the glory of my Creator. But I just keep getting caught up in crap…
I’m the Christian girl who desires God… but He made me and He made me with the deep desire for intimacy. I’m not sure if it is just my physical make up messing with me? Is my biological clock saying… if you don’t have kids now you never will… (I know all things are possible, so even at 27 I have plenty of time) BUT what is it? It’s not fair.
I’ve been waiting, I haven’t had sex with anyone. I’ve saved myself. I haven’t dated a ton… I’ve waited in that… I’ve only officially dated one man and he is my now- kind of- fiancee… in whom I have also shared my first and only kiss with… BUT what the heck…
I’m losing hope.
Last Sunday we talked again… it wasn’t any better… IT IS NOT BETTER… He still doesn’t think he can marry me.
I want to be married (not just because I want to have sex, but man it sure would be a benefit).
Guess what… this desire requires another person… and I can’t do it on my own.
Please know, I’m doing everything I know to do.
I’ve been fasting this week (from food), I’ve been devoting time in prayer and sincerely just pouring my heart out to the Lord and giving Him all of these things, but at the end of the day… the desire are still there. And I can’t even blame it on Media and stuff, because guess what- I don’t watch TV, or read magazines- AT ALL…
So what am I supposed to do. For two nights this week I asked and begged the Lord to release my from this whole thing with my fiancee and guess what… He didn’t. Now, a part of my heart is so glad, because I love him so much, but another part of me just gets angry.
God- why do you give me these desires to be married and have intimacy and then remove the chance for my fiancee and I to even get married. I know I said God wouldn’t let me out of it, but He’s not changing things either. Honestly, things seem to be getting more and more awful. I’ve been fasting and praying all week– right? I saw my fiance yesterday and again he doesn’t even hug me, at this point I didn’t want the hug anyway, but now this morning I ran out of gas on my way to work- so I’m thinking, Oh, great opportunity to be my knight and shining armor.
Well, I can’t reach him. So after work I call him, and he (knowing of my predicament that I am still in- just got a ride) Says he’s too busy.
Is that the way you save your wife when she’s stuck?
or your sister
or your mom?
or your friend?
It’s not going to work. The saddest thing is that up until this moment I almost had hope that we could get married- even today- I’d so be down for eloping. (My fiancee had gotten a scripture after he asked me to marry him that said something about the 24th day of the 6th month- which was kind of confirmation for him because asked me to marry him on the 24th of a month… so then in my mind I was thinking that would be awesome to get married on the 24th of June… well, it was actually his brothers wedding date so we went for 5th of August instead-which we postponed- so then the other night I looked up the Jewish lunar calendar and guess when the 24th day of the sixth month is? TODAY! But guess what? I’m sitting typing a blog and not getting married.
so what do I do?
Because I’ll tell you what I want to do…
I want to sin. Because at this very moment I feel so alone and hopeless about EVER getting married and ever being intimate. Seriously, what am I supposed to do?
I am at a loss of anything else.
God will not confirm to me that I am supposed to be out of this relationship.
God is not allowing my fiancee to marry me.
God is not allowing me to get married- I want what God designed.
But I have gotten so caught up in all this crap that it consumes me.
So what do I do?
I tried being on here to get busy and not caught up in it, but now what?
Lord, I need a miracle, please help.
I’m supposed to be filled with hope, not hopelessness.