I just want SOMETHING

So… I’m frustrated

All I want to do is simply live my life as best as possible for the glory of my Creator. But I just keep getting caught up in crap…

I’m the Christian girl who desires God… but He made me and He made me with the deep desire for intimacy. I’m not sure if it is just my physical make up messing with me? Is my biological clock saying… if you don’t have kids now you never will… (I know all things are possible, so even at 27 I have plenty of time) BUT what is it? It’s not fair.

I’ve been waiting, I haven’t had sex with anyone. I’ve saved myself. I haven’t dated a ton… I’ve waited in that… I’ve only officially dated one man and he is my now- kind of- fiancee… in whom I have also shared my first and only kiss with… BUT what the heck…

I’m losing hope.

Last Sunday we talked again… it wasn’t any better… IT IS NOT BETTER… He still doesn’t think he can marry me.

I want to be married (not just because I want to have sex, but man it sure would be a benefit).

Guess what… this desire requires another person… and I can’t do it on my own.

Please know, I’m doing everything I know to do.

I’ve been fasting this week (from food), I’ve been devoting time in prayer and sincerely just pouring my heart out to the Lord and giving Him all of these things, but at the end of the day… the desire are still there. And I can’t even blame it on Media and stuff, because guess what- I don’t watch TV, or read magazines- AT ALL…

So what am I supposed to do. For two nights this week I asked and begged the Lord to release my from this whole thing with my fiancee and guess what… He didn’t. Now, a part of my heart is so glad, because I love him so much, but another part of me just gets angry.

God- why do you give me these desires to be married and have intimacy and then remove the chance for my fiancee and I to even get married. I know I said  God wouldn’t let me out of it, but He’s not changing things either. Honestly, things seem to be getting more and more awful. I’ve been fasting and praying all week– right? I saw my fiance yesterday and again he doesn’t even hug me, at this point I didn’t want the hug anyway, but now this morning I ran out of gas on my way to work- so I’m thinking, Oh, great opportunity to be my knight and shining armor.

Well, I can’t reach him. So after work I call him, and he (knowing of my predicament that I am still in- just got a ride) Says he’s too busy.

Is that the way you save your wife when she’s stuck?
or your sister
or your mom?
or your friend?

No

It’s not going to work. The saddest thing is that up until this moment I almost had hope that we could get married- even today- I’d so be down for eloping. (My fiancee had gotten a scripture after he asked me to marry him that said something about the 24th day of the 6th month- which was kind of confirmation for him because asked me to marry him on the 24th of a month… so then in my mind I was thinking that would be awesome to get married on the 24th of June… well, it was actually his brothers wedding date so we went for 5th of August instead-which we postponed- so then the other night I looked up the Jewish lunar calendar and guess when the 24th day of the sixth month is? TODAY! But guess what? I’m sitting typing a blog and not getting married.

so what do I do?

Because I’ll tell you what I want to do…

I want to sin. Because at this very moment I feel so alone and hopeless about EVER getting married and ever being intimate. Seriously, what am I supposed to do?

I am at a loss of anything else.

God will not confirm to me that I am supposed to be out of this relationship.

God is not allowing my fiancee to marry me.

God is not allowing me to get married- I want what God designed.

But I have gotten so caught up in all this crap that it consumes me.

So what do I do?

I tried being on here to get busy and not caught up in it, but now what?

Lord, I need a miracle, please help.

I’m supposed to be filled with hope, not hopelessness.

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About desireunleashed

Prone to wonder Lord I feel it, prone to leave the One I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy throne above.
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7 Responses to I just want SOMETHING

  1. Your such an inspiration…. and every relationship has its up and down. And as a girl, i understand that tick. *hug* prayin for u……

  2. a.w. marks says:

    “God is not allowing my fiancee to marry me.” Total lie. This is contrary to His word concerning the treatment of engagement. If you can acknowledge that your fiancee is responding to his fear and not God’s word, be careful not to attribute your predicament to God. You hold your fiancee’s discernment in too high of regard if you think wavering comes from God.

    I think the reason God isn’t releasing you from this engagement is because that’s not the order of responsibility. I’ve said it once, but it is your fiancee’s responsibility to release you, since he made covenant with you and God by committing to marriage. He is still bound to that covenant, and must make the decision to follow God or dishonor that covenant. God takes covenant very seriously.

    You have the right to ask him to make a choice today — not for the sake of your desires, but for the sake of your heart. Your fiancee is being a poor steward of a gift he willingly asked for and received. If he will not have you, he must honor you by releasing your heart and love to a righteous man that will. Do not prolong this and leave yourself vulnerable to sin. Forget the signs and alignment of days. God is so much greater than that junk. Be obedient to His word, and ask your fiancee to be obedient to his heart. It isn’t any more complicated than that. Any complication is based on fear of the outcome, and not God’s plan for your life. He is sovereign, and does not allow one man’s disobedience disrupt His plan for another of His children.

    You are the Almighty’s beloved, and He adores your heart. Press the issue, because your heart is captive. If your fiancee will have you, God will place His blessing upon your marriage. If not, it is your fiancee’s dishonor, not yours.

    P.S. Your honor is greater than just your sexual purity. If you are being wronged in regard to your desire, God will not judge you as if you have not been dealt harshly. He offers grace to the humble and broken spirit. I encourage you to read the section on chastity and sexuality in Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Do not allow this iniquity to define you, because He will honor a heart that longs to serve Him in marriage and motherhood. That heart is too rare a treasure in this age for God to ignore.

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you.
      I so appreciate your comments. I’m actually going to share them with my fiancee. I honestly haven’t gotten better advice.
      Thank you.
      You’re word choice cut right to my heart.
      Thank you for making it clear in the last post that out engagement was the covenant, because I had been looking at it as much less. But it makes sense that my heart knew better.
      Please pray for something to happen. Even after posting I talked with my fiancee on the phone and I just said I was done, then he begged that I would “just wait” for him.
      So this is the deal. We postponed our wedding July 24th. Our pastor said within three months we need to know whether we were moving forward or ending it (my pastor isn’t putting rules on us, but he knows the pattern of on off we’ve been through). So, 4 weeks and 4 days… we’ll see where I am. Please pray that something happens.
      I just feel so dead. Dead to life. Bummer is, my joy is gone and everyone has seen it leave. I used to be an incredibly bubbly and outgoing person. I want the joy of my salvation.
      How did I let it leave?

    • a.w. marks says:

      That’s totally where I’m grieving for you. As one that has learned what it means to no longer be interested in the things that entertain the world, it hurts me to know that a woman who has been purified in the same way believes that no one from our generation shares that heart. I know that struggle; I live it every day. I spend hours on these blog sites hoping that my brothers and sisters will realize that nothing on this earth is greater than the blessings God would have for us, and I am continually disappointed by the distractions that direct most believers’ priorities and conversations. That you desire to live in such a way that places your service to Him first should bring you a great deal of joy and satisfaction. I’d hate to see you miss that because you feel alone.

      As a 32-year-old “husband in waiting,” it’s really easy to come to the conclusion that every woman is interested in everything but serving Him. I find encouragement through each person I meet that walks the narrow road. I pray that God would bless you in your dismissal of worldly pleasures, not because He owes it to you, but because your decision to be set apart is pleasing to Him. Since God has taken away your appetite for worldly comforts, the best the enemy can do is attack you through the corruption of a Godly comfort. Based on what you’ve written on your blog, I know that you already understand that your desire for marriage, motherhood, and intimacy with your husband is GOOD.

      I went through something similar to your situation last November, and it was incredibly disheartening to direct my life towards marriage, only to find I was back to square one. Because my trigger for lust is loneliness as well, I was thankful that I didn’t face the struggle when I was with my ex. But this also revealed just how reliant I had been on her to approach God in purity. I also identified where He had protected me, as I had compromised the direction He was sending me in ministry to be with her. The devastation of starting over brought me face-to-face with my desperate need for His grace.

      I struggle, but He’s been faithful. I desire, but He is ever-present. Since I have no appetite to fill my time alone with entertainment, I am forced to seek Him or find temporary comfort in my sin. I haven’t found complete freedom from lust, but He’s revealing Himself through my struggle, and lies that developed in my childhood are being torn down like never before. I can only have faith (hope in the unseen) that He is preparing me to seek Him first in the responsibility to care for my future wife and children.

      Strangely, it’s almost easier to hope this for you. I can speak boldly into your situation based on the truth of His word, and not the lies built through me own negative experiences. I’m pleased to know that even my pain gives me insight into the lives of His other children. I know you can’t really see beyond your current situation, but God will redeem this very moment of your life as a testimony to others in need of truth.

      • Thanks for the encouragement. It good to hear the things you say, but at the same time they almost seem fictional. I feel so alone in the place I’m at. I truly don’t see any hope for a future in any way. Honestly, knowing you exist brings some hope, but I don’t know ANYONE… who has a heart for the Lord- is not already married- and longs for more. I know that there are others in the world who have been set apart for him and I just feel like Elijah complaining about being alone without anyone like me around, but from what I can see… it’s true.

        Last Sunday, one of my friends moms came up to me and asked me to pray for my friend because she is pregnant. She isn’t married and she hasn’t been coming to church because she is ashamed. It made me so furious (not at her) but at the Enemy and honestly at Christian men. I have at least 5 amazing close (and gorgeous might I add) Christian girl friends who are about my age who long to be married and have a family, but there literally are no Christian men who want to live for the Lord and get married. They are either already married or wanting to be in the world. The thought crossed my mind, that if there was a Christian man who was in love with the Lord and desired to be married… my friend could be married and starting a family instead of just accidently getting pregnant. Where are the Christian men at? And why aren’t they stepping up? I’m not talking about teenage girls just fresh out of High School without a future either… my best friend from college just graduated medical school and is interning in an amazing hospital on the West Coast and her greatest desire is to be married and have a family! I don’t get it.

        I’m not just hurting for myself, but I’m hurting for the state this world is in. For the state that the church is in.
        Look how the enemy is winning!
        Not only does he draw people like my friend away into having premarital sex, but then he blesses her with a beautiful child in whom she is ashamed of and won’t be go to church because of. That is just like the enemy. So make draw toward sin, and then keep her in regret, condemnation, and lies.

        This is NOT what Jesus wants! He wants freedom. wholeness. He wants creation to be celebrated in the womb, not ashamed of. He wants marriages to resemble HIM and His relationship and desire for the CHURCH. Ah, it makes me sick.

        He better be coming back soon, because I don’t know how else all of this brokenness will be healed.

        Sorry, I seemed to get carried away there. But thank you for your encouragement. I know the Lord is good and He is more powerful then the enemy… I just need to pray that it starts looking that way!

  3. caseythompson says:

    In the interest of full disclosure I am not a terribly religious man. I don’t identify with a particular faith, but I have questions and I trust they will be answered in time. This does not mean I am not a thinking moral person. I have read many of your posts and I feel for your pain and have been frustrated for you repeatedly.

    This last post has inspired me to offer my 2 cents. I am reminded of what I guess is an old joke. A man is washed away from shore and a boat comes to him to pull him from the water and when they try to rescue him the says “No, god will save me” some time later as the man tires another boat comes along and again their efforts are met with refusal as the man declares “god will save me”. As the man continues to struggle in the waves a third boat comes along and tries to rescue the man, and again he rejects their offer “god will save me” he says. A short time later the man slips beneath the waves and drowns. At the gates to heaven he is distraught. He sees god and says “I had faith, I lived me life in your honor why did you not save me?” to which god simply replies “I sent you three boats”.

    In your last post you speak of fasting and praying to god to deliver you from this turmoil. During this time your “fiancée” has again told you he can’t marry you, refused your touch, and left you stranded out of gas because he was too busy. I can’t help but wonder what it is you expect to happen? Do you want god to strike him down somehow? It seems your fiancée has made it clear he is not the man you need. I am not familiar with your faith, but in your form of worship are women so subservient that you cannot break it off? He does not deserve you. He will not likely find another woman like you, and that will be his loss. You deserve a man that will treat the way you deserve.

    You also said you have not dated much “I’ve waited in that” you said. Why? God is not going to deliver prince charming to your front door. You have to put in the effort to meet men. You need to be an active participant in creating your own happiness. I can’t quote any biblical passages here, but I am quite sure god does not want you to be miserable.

    Now I am going to really risk running off the tracks here, but I have to address the issue of sex and masturbation from a different perspective. Someone in response to one of your blogs pointed out the conflict that arises when the delay between puberty and marriage causes sexuality to be repressed. There is much truth is this statement, and the question remains what is a person to do with this conflict. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Maslow places sex in the same category as breathing, food, water etc. In his model it is considered a basic physiological need. Sexual intimacy is a second need that is a couple levels up the pyramid.

    The point here there is a difference between pure sexual release, and sexual intimacy. I would argue that by denying yourself completely you are unintentionally adding confusion to the issue. Your mind craves sexual intimacy, something that is hard to truly have outside of marriage, but your body simply needs sexual release, and denying this need can cloud your judgment. Does your faith specifically and literally forbid masturbation? Or does it speak of the dangers of lust which has been interpreted to include the act of masturbation? I would never suggest you drop a porn flick in the DVD Player and lust after strangers, but from time to time when your body needs it why can’t you simply focus on your body and the feeling it provides and offer yourself that basic release?

    I would agree with anyone who tells you that this is not the path to intimacy or sexual fulfillment, but by letting your body have the most basic of needs I do think you can be more patient in your search for sexual intimacy. Getting married because you want to have sex is a dangerous road. If you can address the need (i.e. masturbate) I would argue that you are much more likely to find true happiness both sexual and otherwise in your eventual spouse. Right now you are being driven somewhat by the lack of fulfillment of your most basic needs, and that can lead to bad decision making. The last commenter said “Your honor is greater than your sexual purity”. I think he was making a larger point, but I can say I agree with the statement in the sense that should you be judged by god today your sexual purity is not going to trump every other way in which you have honored him over the course of your life.

    I apologize if I any of this has been offensive to you. I can feel the pain and frustration in your words and thought maybe a different perspective would be helpful. I wish you luck.

    • Thanks for your input… you did not offend me at all. I understand your questions and I truly appreciate your thoughts on all this. I agree that masturbation is actually not a sin- in and of itself if your mind remains good in the midst of it, but honestly… my mind doesn’t. Sometimes I may want just the “feeling” but for the most part I want the intimacy… which makes me want the “fantasy” part of it. When my fiancee and I first got engaged- I didn’t struggle with masturbation at all, because I was completely filled by the his affection… and honestly it was very simple affection like holding hands that did amazing things inside of me- I felt so loved and cared for with a hand hold… but its in the midst of all of this confusion that it has become a more prevalent problem.

      As far as going out and there and meeting someone… I do have difficulty with that. I’m not a shy person by any means, but honestly, I’m not your normal person either. People- especially my age just don’t always slick with me, because my heart and passions are so specific…
      as I mentioned in my last post I don’t watch TV or play video games… do you know how BIG of problem that becomes to people… and please don’t think I’m some super strict legalistic Christian… obviously I’m not… but I grew up with my Mom and Dad constantly having the TV on- I was addicted to it in Junior High and then I got sick of it… I realized just how big of a waste of my life I was putting into something that didn’t benefit me AT ALL. I know it seems stupid, but seriously, its huge among people in their 20’s- TV, shows, movies (I do love good movies though), and technology are like the only topic people in my age bracket seem to talk about… even at Bible Study… how lame is that. So, maybe this explains some more as to why its a little more complicated. Because besides the fact that my fiancee “can’t” marry me, everything else is perfect. We both hate TV, and magazines, we both love traveling- especially while doing missions around the world, we both have a TON of the weird necessities in common. Do I believe God could have someone else out there for me. Sure… He can do anything, but it seems like it would be impossible to find another person who would have so many things in common- who is not already married- fall in love- get married… I don’t think it will ever happen.
      So can I stay single- sure.
      As far as being “women in my faith so subservient,” well, if you knew me in real life you would probably see me as the exact opposite as I was raised with this “I can do it myself mentality”- which honestly I’ve had to work through, because the truth is I should just be independent and do it all myself… that’s not the way this world was meant to run, but do I feel like an idiot for holding on. A glutton for punishment, a battered wife victim, yeah, and everyone around me sees it- including my fiancee. But maybe, just maybe it’s my independence that is actually making me hold on and prove everyone around me wrong. Lol, I don’t know. I just hope goodness and life come in the future. Because I’m sick of this.

      Seriously, thought, thanks for the comment.

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