Last night, my fiancee and I joined many others in watching a simul-cast partly: “A Wake Up Call.”
It was refreshing, convicting, and I really felt the Lord speak to me.
Before going to the “Wake Up Call” my fiancee and I met for dinner and began talking. I have been holding onto us getting married in the face of many if not all people telling me to just move one, but I truly believed I had heard from the Lord. However, the other night for the fourth time from yet another very close and respectable person (one being my fiancee himself) I was asked “Are you sure you heard from the Lord?” My sister was the fourth to ask (my wise, amazing, older literal and spiritual sister). She proceeded to say that it may be time to “put out another fleece” and ask the Lord for more confirmation in all this “waiting” stuff. So, I did. I prayed and asked the Lord to confirm the next day if I am to wait or let go. I will say one of the most difficult parts of all of this has been that when my fiancee attempts to just end it or I even don’t desire to be in all this anymore I feel so bitter toward God, because it is as if He has lied to me about all of this.
So my fiancee and I meet for some time on Sunday and I’m just waiting to see if the Lord will confirm or deny anything. We have lunch and just chill for a while and then I ask him to sit next to me. He proceeds to tell me that before he woke up that morning he had a terrible dream with an awful sexual image that he had never seen before… he said he knew it was from the enemy and when he woke up- it just made him sick to even think about it. He hated it. And it made him want nothing to do with any form of sex or anything that has to do with sex. He is tired of even thinking he might someday be able to enjoy sex in marriage because it has always been such an awful thing that only leads to sin and destruction in his life.
This led me to see this as the sign I had been waiting for. Obviously he was done… he no longer even desired marriage. So, I knelt beside him and told him I was so sorry, but I know that this means that this is the end. That we not to be together. I told about what I said to the Lord and how I asked for a sign and obviously he had given it to me through him and we were done.
Well, this didn’t settle well with either of us and he was just a little flustered. He didn’t realize the impact of him telling me these things were and the answer didn’t seem to lead to peace… it seemed to only lead to frustration. So he explained that he truly still did desire me and marriage, but he just wasn’t sure of how it would work with his thoughts and feeling toward sin (keep in mind that he had been free from masturbation and porn for 8 years- and he believes that never having the opportunity to think about it may have helped him in that time). After time of silence and sadness he wanted to go take some time with the Lord and decided to come back later.
So he leave, I truly just continued to go deeper and deeper into sadness and depression… why, why is this happening? Why now? Why can’t we just get married? Why does it have to be so complicated? It almost seems like it would be easier to fall into sin and just have sex because then at least we would have a Bible mandate to marry… which would never actually happen… but maybe I just need to end it, maybe it just needs to be over.
Honestly, about this time thoughts of masturbation begin to enter my mind. And why not, right. I pretty much just had confirmed that there is no hope. That God never did want us married. That I really am not hearing from Him, so what the heck? but just as I’m about to just give way…
he pulls back in the drive way. He tells me that if God truly wanted it to end He would give us both a peace and knowing not a tearing apart.
So eventually, he talks me into meeting him to go to this simul-cast Wake Up Call thing. So I go, one of the main things I really got from it was that there is a battle and its not going to slow down. If we are getting closer and closer to the end times (which we are… we’re closer today then yesterday) then the battle will get continually worse. So where do we get off thinking… “well, it’ll calm down soon, things will get better?”
I felt like the Lord just softly spoke to my heart and said “if you don’t marry him, it doesn’t mean I was a liar- it mean it was my plan, but you both chose a different path. I will still be with you. I will not leave you. You must just know, that if you are in this together you will have a front covered as you fight this battle… if not it’s just a chosen thorn in the flesh. It doesn’t mean you won’t be able to fight at all, but it means there will be times when with will be harder because of the choice. Please, just trust me. I know it’s not all up to you. Just trust me.”
So, I know this may not be a big deal to you… but it was to me… honestly, it was the first time the bitterness being built up in my heart just felt demolished and the Truth of Christ being with me through all the pain, through all the sin, through all the hurt, through all the decisions, and crap was just good… He would remain… no matter what I did.
It isn’t about my fiancee and I and what God wants “us” to do. It’s about God and me. It’s about the relationship I have with Him.
Two other things popped out at me during the cast.
Don’t throw away the treasure because of the packaging.
Is this marriage and relationship that I potentially have with my finacee going to be a treasure that all I want to do is throw away right now, because of how ugly and terrible it looks? Maybe I should just trust in the Lord and see if the treasure is hidden inside.
There is sin in the camp.
If you’ve read the story of Joshua and the Israelite’s finally going into the promise land and defeated Jericho and then getting defeated then you know the story of how one man having sin in the camp stopped the Israelites from moving forward. Toward the end of the Cast Anne speaks of our churches in America and around the world needing to be real and purge the hidden sins that we all have.
It is true.
I need to. You need to. We all need to… and thankfully we have a God who has told us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.
Wow… so good.
So let’s get rid of it.
Let’s turn in repentance to God.
Let’s confess our sins.
Let’s run into the everlasting arms.
And let’s cry out and pray for help in the midst of the battle. Because I CAN’T DO THIS… I need help. I need Him and I need the body.
So… we’ll wait and see as we TRUST in the Almighty.
Lord I trust in you with all I can.
and in all things.