I fell…

I hate this. There is nothing inside of me that wants to be falling into sin… I want to just be completely free of those sexual desires and thoughts and “needs” to be filled… BUT I just keep falling.

I know what the scriptures say about sin. I know it is wrong. But in the moment when I am alone and completely down and discouraged and there is no one who wants me in that moment I’ve overcome with a desire to turn to lust…

It’s so frustrating.

It is clear in Romans 7 and 8… Paul “did the things he didn’t want to do and didn’t do the things he wanted…” but THEN he said that the law of the Spirit of life overcame the law of sin and death and he could now “walk in the spirit” and not sin. WHY CAN’T I?

I want this freedom.

I know Christ and I believe He knows me.

I know the Holy Spirit and He has spoken to me of the things to come… so why do I feel so abandoned in this issue.

If Paul really said that is was better to marry then burn with passion then why is he not allowing MY fiancee to marry me?

So frustrated.


About desireunleashed

Prone to wonder Lord I feel it, prone to leave the One I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy throne above.
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4 Responses to I fell…

  1. a.w. marks says:

    I’m not sure who all is reading out there, and while I’m not looking to overstep my position, most Christians tend to shy away from these conversations, so I guess I feel a certain obligation to speak some truth…

    Whether your fiancee has heard from God or not — and I’m not sure that he has — you should not be strung along through a “break.” I’m not sure how he out it, and he may have spoken more definitively than you have expressed, but if you’ve got to either move forward with your life or let him know that you cannot wait.

    The problem this culture has placed on modern engagements and the creation of dating is that the entire system fails to recognize the danger of burning in passion. Paul more or less tells men to “get on with the show,” whatever is decided. If a man chooses to marry, do it and do not linger. If he chooses not to, do not string along the virgin. Your fiancee has an obligation to honor you in this way.

    The other cultual barrier we are up against is age. God did not create us with the intent of man and woman progressing so far past puberty to do all the other things that western culture finds “prudent.” Lust (and to some degree, pornography in particular) is attractive because we are battling against nature.

    This isn’t an excuse for sin — the Spirit can us guide us to freedom — but we are playing with fire by delaying marriage in our culture, and don’t think Satan doesn’t know this. The continual trend towards men and women having to “find themselves” has contributed, and this too is a work of the enemy. We are not expected to marry with every duck in a row. Husband and wife are expected to humbly trust in God together to provide for their needs, particularly as He is building intimacy between newlyweds.

    Will we ever force the trend back in the right direction? Probably not — adults are far too entitled and immature to consider living selflessly for another, rather off teenagers. But we should pursue commitment to our future spouse without hesitation, should we decide to marry at all.

    I’m not sure what to tell you that will be a consolation; it sounds like you earned a raw deal, and you can’t just break a bond when you’ve committed to the marriage. But I do think he owes you a resolution, if he hasn’t already. If your fiancee is asking you to wait after already committing to marriage, that is not a word from God; this is a corruption of our own modern church culture — that much you can be sure. But my guess is that your fiancee has run against some personal fear that has nothing to do with you. If he’s unwilling to work it out with you, it’s time to walk away.

    • I’m quite impressed actually with your wisdom and understanding of this situation with so little detail… thank you so much.

      I’m actually 26 years old and had been best friends with my fiancee for the last four years. We had met in college and then I moved across the country and began working. After becoming closer through just being amazingly blessed friends in Lord, the Lord led him to move out to the city where we both now currently live. After while of being out here and growing much closer we both knew we had to make a decision in the direction our relationship was going either we needed to keep it safe or move forward. Well, this was a little more complicated then usual because when he committed his life to the Lord in High School he wanted to live a life fully devoted to the Lord for the rest of his life- because he had struggled with porn and masturbation, but then the Lord freed him from those things. He had never envisioned himself getting married.
      After 8 months our Pastors wife told us we need to decide to move forward or move on and he told me we couldn’t be together. Then on the way home from talking to him I hit a curb and both right tires on my truck popped- after trying to call 4 other people they were all unavailable and I called him. Come to find out, he was praying that if there was any way possible to bring me back to him- that God would stop me in my tracks and change all this. He saw the tires as a sign from the Lord in bringing me back to him, and we began our relationship the next day. Then later, the Pastor of our church was doing a series on marriage during a time when we were giving each other more time apart and I went over for dinner one night and he proposed to me by washing my feet. It was amazing and beautiful and seemed so right and so pleasing to the Lord. Our wedding was planned for this last August- everything was in place (wedding dress, bridesmaids dresses, tuxes, etc.) and he came to me and told me that he thought we should postpone the wedding because he doesn’t feel ready and doesn’t think he could be the husband God would have him be (which I totally respect). But now, since then there’s been days that he doesn’t think God wants him to marry me and other days he wants to elope… which never actually happens… and the days like today where we go to have lunch after church and he doesn’t even want to sit next to me now, because he feels even being “close” in a physical intimate way at all… is like gluing us together and when we get too close he feels far from God and feels like he can’t hear from Him.
      I’m struggling soooooo much. The only reason I’m still even holding on for anything is because in the beginning I truly believed the Lord told me very specifically that he was to be my husband. But its getting to the point to where I just look like an idiotic desperate woman hoping he come for me. Honestly, besides him talking to me when he has time I have no commitment. I don’t even have a ring because I gave it back and he never put it back on even though he said it wasn’t over. He wont even sit right next to me at church- he always sets his Bible on the chair between us. So then what do I do. I’m burning. I feel like I have made a commitment, but without out any evidence. I just keep falling and getting hurt. I know he needs to work things out for himself, so should I just let go and let him do that? AHHHH! I seriously am so lost.
      I appreciate your thoughts. If you have anymore, I would appreciate it.
      Trying to abide in the Lord.

  2. a.w. marks says:

    Wow. I do think I’m discerning what the issue is here, if for no other reason than his behavior is fairly consistent with a lot of guys that have struggled with lust.

    Lie #1: Your fiancee feels he will be a bad husband. This whole business of having to qualify himself and “work things out” to be a valid husband is a common tactic of the enemy. The irony behind this attack is that by separating himself from the person he loves most, he has removed himself from the one grace (you) that has been placed in his life to help with his struggles. God has made this clear to him, and yet your fiancee is still trying to attain perfection to qualify himself as a husband. The only qualification God is looking for is that he would love, honor, and protect you. If your fiancee is looking to live without sin before qualifying himself to be your husband, than he’s setting himself up for a lifetime of frustration and loneliness, because he isn’t going to get there. Not only that, were he somehow to attain this perfection, what use would he have for a wife — to play the hero for you, while you serve no spiritual purpose to him? No, God said that “it is not good for man to be alone,” because there is a comfort and grace you provide in your femininity, which God would use to speak into his life. And its not as if you cannot empathize with his struggles. Why would it be better to struggle alone? It is pride and not commitment that has him playing the God card, for He has already spoke into the matter.

    Lie #2: Sexual sin is the only sin that cannot be redeemed in marriage, and a wife will not put up with it. Again, I think your husband should find himself blessed to have a wife that understands his temptations. And if he were to stumble with pornography or masturbation, it’s still going to be hard for you, but he doesn’t need to fear shutting you out, because your loyalty will only help him through the battle. Somewhere he’s missing the idea that you could love him through his imperfection. What was his childhood like?

    Lie #3: God’s presence has been removed from his life when he feels like he can’t hear him. This is the most dangeous lie, because it presumes that God equates His love with approval, and that He will remove Himself from our lives if we step outside of His elusive will.

    First, this is a common misrepresentation of God’s will. There’s a lie taught in many churches that God cannot trust us with our own inclinations. The truth is, 95% of His will is revealed to us in scripture, and if we are living in submission to His Word (whether prone to failure or not), God trusts His children to make decisions in line with His Word. Most of us obsess and get hung up on the 5%, thinking that if we miss God’s will, he will shun us from His plans. Trust me, our God is soooooo much bigger than that! He loves his children enough to allow us the room to “toddle” — to walk on our own two feet and live confidently according to the God we know, not just the God we feel or hear. And like any good father, if our “toddling” gets a little off course, or it looks like we might fall, He will quickly step in to guide us.

    But your fiancee needs to realize that the absence of God’s direction does not equate with the absence of God, particularly if God has already told him once what to do. Sometimes He just wants us to trust our own intimacy with Him in knowing His character, so that we can learn to exercise our discernment. [I love the way Lewis writes this element of God in the Chronicles of Narnia — this is a foundational truth that I wish we would teach our congregations.]

    I’m not sure how knowing the problem helps your situation, because your fiancee needs to be willing to confide in you so that you can spur one another towards freedom. He never intended us to do this alone. He doesn’t need time away to work through his lies; he needs a loving partner. I know you’re willing, and I sympathize for your situation. If he is unwilling to let you help with his struggles, it’s probably time to move on. But that’s never an easy call to make, and I don’t doubt that God had prepared your heart to marry him. Your fiancee however is subject to his own free will in whether he will obey.

    In the meantime, bathe your situation with prayer rather than anxiety, because more than anything, this an opportunity for you to intercede for the man you love. Pray that God takes away the blinders, and your fiancee realizes how blessed he is to be offered your heart and your grace. I’ll be praying for the two of you as well.

    • I can’t tell you how much of a gift I feel it is to be hearing from you on these issues… I feel so cared for and know you are praying means so much.

      Thank you so much for all of the wisdom you have conveyed… I truly believe that so many of these lies just tumult so many young Christian men. In response to men believing these lies so many young christian women are then bombarded with lies as well. I’m sure you can tell through some of my posts that I have been the victim of many… even though I know it is not the Lord’s Truth. Lies that begin reading into everything that my fiancee says or implies… it hurts us both and it seems as though both of us are just over taken. Both of us went to a simul-cast last night that was really great. The Lord definitely spoke to me through it, I’ll post some details in my next blog, but again THANK YOU SO MUCH for your input and heart. I still feel completely at a loss as to what my part is to do right now, so if you have advice or wisdom from the Lord on that, it would be greatly appreciated!
      In Him.

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