So here’s the deal…
Things are just a little more complicated then all I’ve shared.
I have this struggle… and you’d think that being in a relationship would at least alleviate some of these issues… but this is the thing. I am in a relationship. I actually have an amazing fiancee… Yep, were even engaged and honestly it has been somewhat re-leaving having someone to share my struggles with… BUT we have a problem…
He postponed our wedding and were currently “taking a break”.
Honestly, I’m not sure if we’re going to get married.
He’s wondering if the Lord really wants him to marry me, or if God wants him to marry at all.
In the mean time I’m still struggling. More than even struggling with desires, I’m struggling with NOT believing lies from the enemy.
Especially when the enemies lies seem to be backed by evidence.
Example: You are ugly, no one should want you, and no one ever will. You will never get married. You will be stuck in sin and you will never be enough. – proof: I look in the mirror, he still tells me “I keep going back and forth”.
Now, don’t get me wrong… if someone told me that they were believing lies like this I would tell them to fill themselves with Truth from God’s Word. Believe the promises. Remember I am His creation, that He loves me, and dies for me.
Okay… and I promise I try to do these things, but I’m still hurting. I’m still sinning. I’m still not being pursued by the man who asked me to marry him… I’m still not married. I still feel and look like a failure in every way I can see.
I’m trying to hold on.
I’m not choosing or desiring the emptiness but I am still empty, I still feel alone, I still feel worthless (even when I’m trying to fight those very words from entering my mind at all).
Lord, I know you are real. I know you are powerful. I know You know me. Please help me, fill me, let me see you as my one and only pursuit. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation. Kill the lies. Let me live in the light. I need YOU sooooo desperately!